The shit no one tells you about having a baby

I got some ideas from some subject matter experts (They have been there done that)

and this is not meant to sound like a horror movie but its definitely not the fluffy shit you normally hear.

Morning Sickness - can affect you at any time of the day, especially when hungry, you may also be smell sensitive, causing you to gag constantly, I hated the smell of cooking meat, and petrol (Still hate the smell of Petrol).

Metallic Mouth - For some Hapu Mama’s you can often get a metallic taste in your mouth which can make EVERYTHING you eat taste like shit, no matter how awesome it is, it will make it disgusting, which does not really help when you are spewing your ringer out.

Pregnancy Discharge - You can get very lubricated downstairs, and sometimes you think you have peed yourself but its actually discharge - Get yourself some reusable pads so you save some $$$.

Restless Legs - These can really put a spanner in the works, you are dead tired, you hop into bed almost asleep and then your legs start dancing around the bed, then the baby starts kicking the shit out of you, so much fun and there is f all you can do about it at the time.

Roids - Otherwise known as Ring of Fire No 1 - These bastards can appear at any time, during pregnancy or after birth or pop out a year down the track, they suck either way, and might involve you sticking stuff (pills, creams or the Roid) up your arse. Interesting fact, A Haemorrhoid cream company tried to buy the rights to Johnny Cash’s ‘Ring of Fire’ but unfortunately the family blocked it. Handy Hint, get an ice pack and stick it on your arse hole, it shrinks it and makes it creep back up into its cave.

LBL - Light bladder leakage - Be prepared that your baby during the last phase of pregnancy will drop and sit on your bladder, and for some no matter how strongly they prepared their Pelvic floors, will suffer a bit of light bladder leakage, again pads are your best friend, if you are concerned go get an appointment with a Physio that specialises in Pelvic Health, they are truely the best.

Labour - It can last for days, and days, and when you think you are done, you are not, they say take panadol but it’s pretty much good for fuck all, and sleep (lol) . It can also be quick as fuck, which is also not a great thing, especially if you have to catch your baby in your undies. Your contractions can make you vomit, so be prepared, for spew, wee’s and poo exiting your body, but don’t stress about it. There is literally no way to describe the contractions, they could be in your front or back, they are different for everyone and every pregnancy and they last about a minute but you have no pain in between, and your body can do amazing things, so trust in the process, just go with it, and try and use gravity to your advantage, try to relax (as much as you can) and if you need too let the professional’s do what they need to to get the baby out, don’t let it upset you.

Shit - Some people are scared that they will shit themselves in Labour, which is understandable - But early labour can also bring on bowel motions, this clears you out quite well so generally there is nothing left to shit out, be prepared for both, you will get over it, your dignity has already gone, so you may as well get yourself some croc’s.

Waters breaking - They can be like a waterfall, explosion or a trickle, either way its interesting. This can also really kick those contractions into high gear if you were already in labour, if you thought it was intense before, we’ll welcome to a whole new level.

Transition - It’s really really shit, its the point where you would quite comfortably be pregnant for ever, its where the baby starts making its way downstairs, basically like the biggest hardest shit you will ever have coming in slow motion, you start trying to run away, this would literally kill a man. It will make you cry and shake and moan and scared at the same time, you want to hide under the bed and make it go away, even your mum can’t help you now.

Crowning - Or also known as Ring of fire No 2 - This is when babies head starts inching out, so the Vag is fully stretched, so stick your fist in your mouth and wrap your lips around it, and let them stretch, and then cough, but keep that fist in your mouth and embrace the stretch. You are told to not push even though your body is doing it against your wishes, the pain is also like a like severe constipation of the biggest shit ever, but stuck in place for a while, you may want to punch everyone in the room.

Pushing - in some cases your body will start pushing, you will have little control, it can be like an earthquake rolling through you, in other cases you will need to push so being able to relax that pelvic floor is super important.

Forceps or Vontrouse - These are tools to help assist Birth, and they don’t have a great reputation, but they do save lives, if you imagine a pair of salad tongs being used to get the baby out or a plunger, they can cause marks on your babies head or shapes the head oddly for a while, but often time is of the essence and that baby needs to get out.

Placenta birth - You may or may not opt for the injection to help let the placenta come out quicker, but when the placenta comes out its kind of a weird feeling, often the midwife will tug on the umbilical cord to help it along its way, its kinda feels like a slippery fish the size of a plate coming out of there. At that point you are all in lala land with adrenaline anyway as you are hopefully bonding with your baby.

C-section (Sun roof) for whatever reason you have one, they are not the easy way out, the healing is long and can be frustrating, the surgery can be scary, especially in an emergency situation. Don’t feel let down if you have a Caesarean, there is no fun way to eject another human out of your body, so whatever happens go with it, fingers crossed the drugs work properly and you don’t feel a lot of discomfort. Recovery can be a lot harder, and it’s important to understand that you have had major abdominal surgery. So rest is important too, so accept the help.

Uterine contractions - Post birth contractions can be almost as painful as some labour contractions, but it’s just your uterus returning to its old self, which is about 500 times smaller than how it ended up as you were giving birth. It’s done a pretty cool job your uterus so give it some slack and Take panadol, they also like to kick off when breast feeding, and it generally gets worse the more kids you have. Also you will still get these if you had a sunroof birth, and sometimes they can be excruciating if you have a premie baby that was born by Caesarean…..Fun times.

First shower - Your first shower after birth can look like a murder scene, whatever you do, don’t look downstairs, if feels crazy enough without viewing it DO NOT LOOK.

You may have clumps fall out, and it may feel like never ending stuff, it may be black and blue and it may have stitches for Africa, but don’t look at it, so use the time to pull yourself together, and dad or nana to have some bonding time with bubba, and use the underwear provided by the hospital or the pads, it can be an interesting time downstairs, for a while, disposable incontinence undies are your friend.

Grazing, tearing, cutting or stitches - Ring of fire No 3 - No matter the level of shit you have going on downstairs nothing can prepare you for the sting that happens when you need to wee or poo, some advice handed down to me was take a water bottle or spray bottle and spray that area when you go toilet, which is quite hard as everything feels like its rearranged, or in a strange order so your aim might be slightly off, I felt like my vag had moved places and my arse hole had disappeared. Ural will also be your best friend, drink away.

Lack of control - Birth really can fuck your Pelvic floor and it can take sometime to get your shit together, this making some interesting times when you go to wee and it starts before you are ready with zero ability to stop, or zero control if you sneeze or laugh, or when you really can’t hold in a fart for those visitors that come to nosey at your baby. Make those people clean your house and cook you a meal while you sneak around pretending to cough.

Your baby - Nothing can prepare you for meeting your baby for the first time, when they throw it on you, it seems like they are quite rough, but everything is done quite quick, and they need to wipe the shit from your uterus off them, and it helps get the baby crying, so be prepared for its funny head, it’s wrinkly skin and the fact that even though its been swimming in amniotic fluid for the last 9ish months it smells amazing, and you will think your baby is amazing, even when you look at the first pictures months later you are shocked at the way the baby looked back then and how you managed to fall in love so quickly. Everyone will tell you your baby is cute, even if you think it’s not, it’s also alright to think it’s not cute, they can be funny looking things for a while, but they give the best snuggles.

Feeding your baby - It’s not as easy as they make out, and its best to go into it with an open mind, for some people it comes naturally, for others it can cause a world of pain and distress. Your boobs might not feel like they are doing anything, and then suddenly boom they are rock hard and painful, also the letdown can be intense and most mums will get there babies in the eye with breast milk at one stage, they may also find that there boobs will spray for quite a distance. You may feel a bit violated that the nurses or hospital midwives cop a feel of those boobs, but they are doing their jobs, if you have issues get hold of the lactation consultants ASAP. Expect to have sore as fuck nipples (Burning ring of fire 4), they can bleed, generally a breast feeding nipple will be really big and long, nipple shields are amazing if you are flat as a pancake. Get the latch right early and that should help with any pain, don’t be afraid to ask for help or if baby is struggling or causing you pain, get them checked out too. Expect to be feeding for hours, and if baby falls asleep while feeding make sure you break their latch gently, otherwise this can cause a world of damage. They say pain when feeding isn’t normal but for some it can be excruciating, and unlike with our mothers and Nana’s who tell you that you just have to deal with it, you do have options and help available, just like your pelvic floor, its common but not normal. Also formula is not the devil, its amazing, it saves lives and you should never feel like a bad mum for feeding your baby with whatever means possible, but no one will give you any info on formula so ring the companies on the back of the formula tins if you have any questions. Don't get hung up on the feeding thing, if it works it works, if you have to resort to science milk then thats great too. People will stare at you when feeding, often they are not looking at your boobs, it’s just them looking at a new baby feeding, it can be quite a beautiful sight, regardless of how they are feeding. It’s also quite common to walk around with a boob hanging out, just go with it, if they courier driver see’s your boob, they are more than likely more embarrassed than you.

Sex after baby - It can be interesting, and take a while to get your mojo back, you may not feel like your shit has returned back to normal for quite sometime, if ever, but if you have any issues see your local woman health physio. Guys will likely get more action if they help out more and let you rest, you may also feel like your boobs are just feeding machines so it may not be desirable to have them touched. Sometimes traumatic births can really give you PTSD when it comes to sex, so you should definitely talk to someone if your birth has affected you sex life.

It’s alright to not be the perfect parents, or have days where you don’t leave the house, and if you feel like you are not on this planet please ask for help. Babies go through so many developmental stages, but at the start they just need a parent to love and care for them, they will cry, they will be hungry and they will shit themselves, its alright to acknowledge you have no fucken idea what the hell is wrong with your baby, generally being held and fed, changed is the best medicine. And then just when you think you have this shit down pact, they then go through a stage and turn everything that you know upside down, this actually never ends, even when they are toddlers or pre schoolers, each phase you have to learn how to deal with it, and you find your old tactics of blackmail are no longer working. Also beware, if your first is an easy baby, it’s simply a trick to have another, then the real test begins, that one will really test your patience. It's also alright to ask for help, people are all to keen on giving advice, and asking for help is super important, especially for our mental health, as birth trauma, post natal depression and baby brain are all serious issues and can last for quite some time. Please speak to a friend and your midwife if you suffer signs of PTSD.

As much as most of this sounds horrid, it’s for a short time, and normally treatable, and just having a little thing to love makes it worthwhile, hence the reason people have done it a lot and keeps doing it over and over again. Babies are the easy part, threenagers and 8 year olds are the real test.

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